A Q&A with My Body, Their Baby author Grace Y. Kao
What made you want to write this book?
I didn’t go into carrying and delivering a baby for my friends thinking that I’d ever turn my story into a book! Basically when folks around me would find out I was expecting a child for someone else, they’d gently pepper with me questions like “What does your husband think about this?” or “Aren’t you scared you’ll grow attached to the baby and not want to give it up?” I’d address their concerns, we’d sometimes launch into an extended conversation about childbearing, infertility or related topics, and then several of my interlocutors who were also academics would often ask if I’d consider publishing or speaking publicly about what I had just shared.
I eventually came to realize something my colleagues had grasped before I had—that the world of former surrogates who are also trained ethicists has got to be very small. Through my hyper-visibility as an “advanced maternal age” pregnant woman and my openness about the baby not being mine, I saw firsthand how folks around me had so many questions and misconceptions about the practice. It thus became important to me to research them, investigate whether popular fears about surrogacy were well-founded, and then do what I could to set the record straight.
Given that you draw from your personal experience as a surrogate mother, what were the challenges of relating that perspective?
I wrestled with two primary things. The story of how and why I became a surrogate was inextricably tied to my friends’ struggle to have their first child. So my first challenge was to work out how I could truthfully convey my surro-mom experiences—both the joys and the difficult parts—without sharing some details that my friends didn’t want to appear in print. I ended up self-censoring in early drafts, deleting some material in the penultimate draft at their request, and explaining in the intro the difference between speaking about vs. speaking for them.
The second challenge was more meta—how to oscillate between writing about my feelings and experiences in a manner appropriate for memoir-style reflections and also offering judgments about the use of assisted reproductive technology (ART) in a style consistent with good academic writing. As readers of My, Body, Their Baby » will see, I decided not only to open each chapter with a personal anecdote connected to the themes to be explored in the pages to follow, but also sometimes marble in my experiences elsewhere in ways that hopefully elucidate a point or provide a fuller picture of what surrogacy is like from someone who has gone through it firsthand.